Dear Taryn, Will You Choose War or Peace?

Dear Taryn,

I would like to set Scientology aside for a moment and simply talk to you.

No anger.

No arguments.

Just some observations gleaned from your very public conflict.

Sometimes others can see more clearly than those involved in conflict.

Obviously we cannot have a conversation because that takes two, although I am more than willing to sit down with you anytime.

I just want to put my thoughts out there for consideration.

All of us, while basically good people, have our flaws. We all make mistakes, poor choices and downright bad decisions.

No one is perfect and one of the worst things one can do is to expect perfection from those around us.

Treating others as we would like to be treated includes allowing others to be fallible and human. If we want the freedom to make mistakes then we have to give that same freedom to our friends and family as well.

Relationships are give and take and a hard lesson is learning to both accept forgiveness as well as give it.

Having an open mind helps.

Anger doesn’t.

Let’s assume for a moment that everything you have said about your father is the gospel truth.

That he was never there for you, that he was abusive and abrasive and unplugged. We’ll go with the idea that he physically abused your mother and abandoned Ben.

Alright. All of that is your Truth.

Now what?

Are you not better off without that Mike Rinder in your life?

Apparently not because you are either unwilling or unable to let go. Instead of living your life free from all the negativity you have dedicated your life to it. Surrendering to your rage and letting it drive and control you. You are focused on your father with tunnel vision.

You are hurt and enraged and you want the whole world to know it.

I can just imagine you right now denying what I’ve said.

“I’m not angry! I’m not controlled by rage! I have a great life and I’m working for all women who have been touched by Domestic Violence! I’m an activist!”

No Taryn, you aren’t.

What work are you actually doing for others?

None.

Instead you insinuate yourself into other people’s campaigns, telling YOUR story, needing to be heard for YOU.

Your blog and twitter accounts both clearly state your ultimate goal.

Fire Mike Rinder.

So let’s continue the pretense and say that suddenly A&E and Disney both “see the light” and fire your father based upon your stories.

Good for you. You won.

He’s lost his job and you beat him.

Is revenge as sweet as you’d hoped? Or is it empty, hollow and unfulfilling?

Did it give you the one thing you really want?

You shout to the world that Mike Rinder hurt and abandoned you.

Taryn.

How is what you are doing to him any different?

Is your campaign against him somehow less malicious or less hateful? You accuse him of abuse but isn’t what you are doing abusive as well? Does abuse have different levels of rightness? Is your attacking him less harmful and somehow justified where his sins are intolerable? What makes what you are doing OK but what you accuse him of unforgivable?

Taryn abuse is not just physical. It is verbal as well and often the tongue can inflict deeper wounds than a fist.

But what you are doing is so different than what he did.

Is that how this works?

What about the innocent people caught in your crossfire? Are they acceptable casualties in your war?

Like it or not you have a half brother and that little boy also has to live with the consequences of your anger. Is hurting him also part of your battle plan?

But let us say that you are right and you won. You got Mike Rinder fired.

How has your victory improved your life?

Think on it for a few minutes.

Revenge will never heal a broken heart.

Now let’s just, for a moment, consider that there is an alternative to all this anger and harm.

It is never an easy lesson for a child to find out her parents have feet of clay. That they are indeed human and capable of failing.

Being rejected by your father for whatever reason inflicts a deep and lasting wound.

A wound that takes two to heal.

Taryn, if you truly want to inflict harm and pain then that is your choice. The side effect of that choice is that you also, will be harmed. Anger and revenge are double edged swords and for every thrust you make, your soul also takes a hit. There is no healing in battle.

Frankly, it takes more strength and courage to be willing to set the anger aside and reach out your hand halfway in hope than it does to make that hand a weapon.

What is the worst than could happen if you actually tried to reach out to your father, Taryn?

I don’t mean Taryn the OSA Scientologist, I mean Taryn the woman who needs her father.

Well the worst would be for him to reject you again and that is a frightening prospect.

But what if he doesn’t? What if he actually reached back, took your hand and said “Let’s start again”?

Anger and hate are so much easier than risking one’s heart.

Taryn, you say you are so much happier in your life now. You say you are done with Mike Rinder yet you continue this very public circus knowing he’s watching.

You block him, yet you write an open letter to him.

The fact is that your father has publicly acknowledged his failure as a parent and he has publicly apologized for it. Do not slam him for his acting publicly when you are doing the exact same thing. The difference is that there is a giant elephant in the room we are not bringing up here standing in between you and your father.

If you choose to ride that elephant at the expense of your own heart then you cannot continue to penalize your father. You are the one making the decisions. You are punishing him for the very thing you, yourself choose.

Mike Rinder is your father and he loves you enough to want to try again. This is not about The Aftermath or religion or your mother. This is about you and him.

The thing is that you are in the driver’s seat here. You are making the decisions that are defining your own life.

What if there is a chance for you to have your father in your life? For the two of you to learn to heal and love each other? What if you could meet your little brother and have him in your life as well?

What if you had the chance for so much love in your life and you were the one who ruined it?

If Mike Rinder truly is the evil you claim then let him and the anger go and live your own life in peace.

But if there is even the smallest chance that you could be making a huge mistake don’t you owe it to yourself to take the risk and see?

Taryn, call your father and talk to him. Share your hurt and anger with him and let him speak to you about it. Give both him and you a chance to find one another again. Mistakes were made. Wounds inflicted on both sides. You are doing your share of causing harm too, Taryn.

Somewhere it needs to stop. The cycle needs to be broken.

You could be the one to heal your family and bring your brother and father together as well. You are in a position where you could be a peacemaker and healer.

Or you could stay your course and continue to publicly lash out, spreading hurt and harm and anger like fertilizer that will only grow thorns.

Do not let others tell you how to think or feel. This is between you and your father.

Reach out to him and give both of you a chance.

If you are unwilling to try then you sincerely need to ask yourself why you would rather live ruled by anger than have your father in your life.

If you are right about him then leave it all in the past and move forward. But if you are truly a free thinking person allowed to make your own choices here, then be mature and adult and give Mike a hearing.

You have nothing to lose but your anger.