In the Spirit of Giving, A Gift of Holidays For COS

Scientology celebrates their Founder’s birthday but the Hubbard Nativity is the only holiday unique to COS.

To compensate for their lack of holy celebrations, they steal shamelessly from Christians in spite of neither believing in nor understanding the significance of what they are celebrating. On their website it says “Scientology follows a long tradition of religious practice.”

It should more accurately state “Scientology has a long tradition of bastardizing the religious practices of others.”

Holidays, or Holy Days, are the remembrance or celebration of some significant, sacred event. A defining moment in the journey of a Faith. That a group of people whose founder expressed scorn, disbelief and blasphemy towards religion would then smugly celebrate Christmas is disrespectful patronization at the very least.

As Christmas approaches this is an excellent time to gift Scientology with their own set of holidays and so it is in this spirit of giving that we reach out to them with the following suggestions.

Diecinueve de Mayo.

May 19th, 1943 Scientology Founder L. Ron Hubbard found himself engaged in an epic battle at sea against a magnetic deposit. Onboard the USS PC-815 10 miles off Cape Lookout over a 100 depth charges were dropped and guns emptied of ammunition as Hubbard bravely squared off against submarines as imaginary as his college degrees.

Diecinueve de Mayo is celebrated with fireworks, BBQ and party games such as Blind Man’s Bluff, Marco Polo and magnetic fishing. The festival traditionally lasts for 68 hours, the same length of time the “attack” lasted.

Solemnity of Marriage Week.

Traditionally celebrated for an full week in August (as a nod to Sara Hubbard), Scientology wives are rounded up and sent to an undisclosed location. The women spend this time quietly in domestic occupations such as cooking and cleaning whilst barefoot to reaffirm their place in the universe. Male members of COS engage in the manly pursuits of athletics including circumnavigating poles to prove their stamina, musical chairs and bare knuckle fighting.

The Festival of the Light Bringer.

Founder L. Ron Hubbard in his incarnation of Lucifer promised his followers that he would be the fulfillment of the biblical promise of the anti-Christ. Today Scientologists around the world gather together after sundown holding unlit candles while chanting “What’s true for you is true for you!” In plainsong.

The Feast of Caves.

After Galactic Overlord Xenu committed multi planetary genocide he was arrested and imprisoned in a cave. Mostly a children’s celebration, The Feast of Caves is a day of food and fun. Traditional fare includes rice and beans, bread and sacred water from the pond at Gold Base. Epic games of Hide and Seek are played where the seeker is called “It” while the hiders are referred to as “Shelleys”. In the evening there are screenings of Battlefield Earth held at Orgs around the globe.

StompOver.

Not to be confused with the Jewish celebration of Passover because that would anger the NOI, StompOver is a solemn time of reflection and sec checking. Members dedicate 28 days relearning the official shore story of how David Miscavige became COB notwithstanding how he stomped over LRH’s wishes, Ann and Pat Broeker, Mary Sue Hubbard and the Hubbard children. During this time Scientologists fast on rice and beans left over from The Feast of Caves, wear gold lame armbands (designed by COB himself) from sun up until sundown and reaffirm their loyalty to their Captain through intense auditing.

StompOver is immediately followed by Assumption Day which usually falls on the third Thursday in March.

Assumption Day commemorates the day Captain Miscavige assumed control of Scientology. This is a day of monumentally epic festivities including gifts given to COB, donations made to COB, praise and thanksgiving lauded about COB and Scientologists everywhere make a joyful noise unto their Captain.

Or else.

As can be seen there is really no reason for Scientology to “borrow” from Christians when their own, brand new religion is so filled with possibilities.

In the spirit of the season, of peace and goodwill towards men we offer these special holidays to COS so they can revel in their own, unique festivals.

God bless us, everyone!

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