Timely Self Help Manuals From Scientology

This evening Scientologist and friendly neighbor Mark Webb has taken to Patch announcing the important works his organization is engaged in to save the planet from the Coronavirus.

Coming from a member of a group that can take or leave God depending upon the situation his admonition that “Cleanliness is next to Godliness” might be suspiciously considered wishy washy at best.

One wonders if this earnest man got his COB’s Bulletin making it clear that the Coronavirus is just mass hysteria although he may be forgiven his confusion.

After all, while Miscavige may be adamant that Covid-19 is just a trans global money making farce, in the next breath he also spent some of his valuable time explaining the lengths COS was going to in making sure all their public buildings were spit shined and Bristol fashion.

Some members of Webb’s fauxligion are decrying the seriousness of the situation, insisting a nuclear dose of vitamin C will cure what ails you.

Others, like Kirstie Alley believes we can all just wish it away though perhaps these are lingering after effects of too much time spent with Jiminy Cricket.

Mark’s confusion is understandable given conflicting messages coming from all directions.

While the majority of his comrades in harm are condescendingly certain that this whole thing is being blown way out of proportion, including his own Captain, at the same time Scientology is also printing and publishing self help manuals for those who don’t know how to take care of themselves.

This might forgivably lead anyone to ask “if it’s really no big deal then what’s the big deal?”

According to Mark, “Several specific ‘How to’ manuals have been written, produced and distributed to all Scientology Churches worldwide, thanks to Scientology International. These booklet title’s say it best ‘HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF & OTHERS WITH A Mask & Gloves’, and ‘HOW TO Keep Yourself & Others Well’.” (Please note that all grammatical gymnastics belong to Mark)

Thank the Heavens above that Scientology thought to spend the time and money on a pamphlet on how to put on latex (or latex free) gloves. Certainly up until the release of such an important publication there were hundreds, if not thousands of people wearing the dratted things backwards or on the wrong hands. We cannot help but also consider that protecting oneself or those around us could include possibly adding stones to the gloves in the event of a mugging or car jacking. In this case a properly applied mask could elevate one to super hero status however this may or may not apply until after OT VIII.

So efficacious is this singular manual that Webb proudly includes a quote from an apparently stunned recipient “Regarding these instructions a current volunteer said ‘I have used a 1000 face masks as a construction worker and never knew how to properly put one on in order to have maximum protection, until I read this booklet.’”

Segueing from the proper application of health paraphernalia into the deeper subject of actually keeping yourself and others well, Mark announces “the Church of Scientology Atlanta is cleaning common areas and especially door handles, counters and desks several times a day with well-known virus and germ killing products.”

Given that certain unhinged individuals are running about unchecked licking things, this actually has some merit.

This does beg the question however about the state of the uncommon areas of the Atlanta Scientology buildings, unless they are referring to the vast area of empty real estate that sits collecting dust. Since this is unused space the stringent cleaning is unnecessary.

Neighbor Mark looks to a more official source to highlight the importance of this second small but powerful tome, “One executive said ‘Even if we don’t know everything about the COVID 19 virus, we do know how to control and kill all viruses and germs.’”

Tucking a statement of this astounding importance away near the end of an opinion essay should be labeled a serious crime against Mankind. Up until now, medical science has been engaged in constant study in an attempt to find the cure for all viruses and germs. That Scientology has apparently been sitting on such a monumental achievement all this time is an outrage and completely in violation of the Prime Directive to Clear the Planet. Someone needs routing straight to ethics.

Finally Mark Webb takes a moment to include the Volunteer Ministers in his glowing endorsement of COS’ efforts during this troubling time.

“A disaster relief arm of the Church called Volunteer Ministers has a very apropos motto ‘Something Can Be Done About It!’ THE ’something to be done’ is cleanliness and if all of us practice this vigorously then for sure an increase in Godliness will follow.”

Which is, one is sure, exactly what L. Ron Hubbard intended.